The life I was born into and the life I give to you

I don't know where to start, or what kind of story I want to write down here. What I know is that something is changing within me.

This picture is taken on 21 April 2024. We were at the North Sea and the wind blows so hard. Baby V has a runny nose but we were there to celebrate my mother's in law birthday.

Within the first year of our daughter's life, I often ask myself why can't I manage it all. It turns out, I simply can't. Not because I am unable to be that person (a mother / a woman) that I always envision myself to be, but simply I need to work on my new me.

I believe everyone has their own experience. And even if some events are quite similar (like having a child for the first time), our perception towards that experience can differ greatly.

For me, it was realising how privileged I was before our daughter was born. How much free time and freedom I had as a person. From a simple thing like what kind of TV serial I want to watch in the evening or a big decision like what kind of career I want to pursue. The only thing I need to think about and to be responsible about is myself.

I have been married with my husband for about 6 years before we had our daughter. Our relationship was at a stable state, it almost feel like an automated flight. But we wanted a child and we were ready to give it all. So when baby V came into the picture, our life turned upside down.

Suddenly, I felt so incapable. Despite all the achievements (school, job related, how I navigate my life in Europe, etc.), I felt so lost. The breastfeeding, the crying baby, the lost connection with our closed ones, and the jabs people threw at me. This endless competition is so exhausting, I let them all slip.

I get through the hard days and I become a different person. And this is how I feel:

I am not as sharp as I used to be.

I don't think I am so special.

Sometimes I feel beaten by society and I feel like some people cheering on my defeat.

And suddenly, I need to reprioritize my life and I find myself into this role.

Despite all insecurities, I really want to be a good parent and I want it to work.

It is not all about me.

I grew up in a very determined family. Both of my parents work so hard in their life and they indeed achieve so much things in life.

But it doesn't came without a price. A price that I pay with my life.

Due to lack of attention and a quality family time in my young age, I grew up to be an anxious adult. I often need my parents validation and I almost see every opportunity as a competition. This kind of thinking served me good in the beginning, I was resourceful, sharp, and go for a winning.

There is an unbeatable fire inside my heart that if something doesn't go right.. I crush it and make it my way. Not to mention all achievements I accumulated in my young adulthood.. now thinking about them I feel so embarrassed.

Life is not only about winning and being the best. Life is not only about proving that you are the best and the rest comes second to you. As a mother, you will get this imaginary mirror and your child see right back at you.

Do you want your child to have the same experience as what you had as a child?

Do you want to change something this time around?

Do you see your child as your extension?

How do you envision the future your child has?

These are the questions I had as a mother. I start to reassess all of my assumptions in my life and what kind of life I want to have as a family.

When I was a child, my dream was to become an astronaut. That's how naive and ambitious I was.. I was so interested in the night sky and I read a lot of books about stars and constellations. My childhood was everything I had and I know... But when I look them back, it was very far from ideal.

My mom came back to the workforce three months after having me. My sister and I aren't even two years apart and we fought so much as kids. I rarely have family holidays. My first memory of kindergarten was my maid waiting for me in front of the window. When I was child, I had bad thoughts when my parents came home late. Almost everyday, I had to wait hours before my parents pickup my sister and I from school. My mom doesn't even recognise the gift I made or I gave to her in my childhood.

But I was a straight A student! I was able to count 1 to 100 at the age of four or five. I can already read and write before six (literally before admitted to the elementary school) and I won many children's competitions when I was young - some even at the national levels.

It is by no mean to discredit the work and all the sacrifices my parents made back then. But, I wished they prioritised us a bit more, at our young age. I don't resent their choices, because I understand they had so little (of them) back then and they did their best.. however, I wished that the circumstances were a bit different. Raising a child in this world is not an easy task, and to bear some (children) and being mentally unprepared, is simply not responsible.

What I realized as an adult, there is no point to be a straight A student if the child is mentally miserable or they can't navigate this world emotionally. Funnily enough, I am also not smarter than other children with a more relaxed upbringing. So what's the point of all the pressure back then? There is even no guarantee that a straight A student will live a straight A life. To conclude, your child is not a trophy and our life as parents should be more than just a rat race.

It turns out, every generation has its own challenge. My grandparents brought my parents out of poverty line. My parents brought us up to be a middle class. This is my job to preserve and to expand what we have built without losing myself in the process. Of course, I wished I had the freedom I used to have. Sometimes, I wish I could be more.. but it is not about me! I have done my part as a child. I have proven myself as an adult. I am done being egocentric. That ideal is done.

I am part of something bigger than myself. My life is so short that the third generations down my line might have forgotten my struggles. What remain are the wisdoms that we pass from one generation to another.

There is no point in resenting the things I couldn't change in my past. There is no point in holding grudge towards people who hurt me. Because things are changing and everything is in constant movement. Even if the days are hard, better days will come. Even if I feel like a failure, I am actually raising a wonderful human being.

My daughter grows healthy, happy, brave, and thoughtful. Most of the days, I am amazed at how fast she learns and how her individuality shines. She is a very good human being through and through. Yes, I am very grateful to experience these feelings: tired, grateful, loved, and proud at the same time. These feelings are not permanent either. Our children will grow up and their life continues. It will take some time until we got to that point, but that time will come.. and we too, shall be prepared. That's why it is very important for me to have that big picture.

I believe something that my parents and the parents of my parents did right was about "not being a burden" for their children. I know there are many families who fail because they were unable to build wisdom, wealth, and left their offsprings with much burden. Fortunately, my parents are not one of them. For that, I am forever grateful.

In essence, I don't have any ambition to prove anything to anyone anymore. I have been there and I have done that.

There are only three things I want the most in my life: first is to give the best I can to my family, my attention, my wisdom, and my love. I know the price of a child neglect. I know the price of mental trauma every child brought into his / her adulthood. So I don't want to repeat that part in my life and let see how my daughter could be if she doesn't have to carry these emotional baggages.

Second is to build a substantial capital that will last several generations.

I remember how my grandmas talks about their wealth: one grandma mentioned about "the house of my mother" despite living there longer than her mother. And another grandma always mention "the land that will belong to her children" despite living healthy to this day. The way these grandmas refer their wealth, is how I see myself with my wealth. It is not mine, it pass through me. It is up to me to blow it or to build it... And I swear with all my life to protect it.

The third thing is to do things I love and I enjoy for the rest of my life - which sounds like forever but statistically speaking it would be another 40-70 years to come. Sure, I may still have a half more time on this earth... But I may be not. So, I promise myself to do everything I love with passion and kindness. There is no competition, not even with my own ideal. I do my best everyday and I know that.

Our lifetime is finite and even the most beautiful story has an ending. A chapter that is closed and a mark that left behind. If my life is a book, I hope it will be a book that guides the readers through their struggles. This is how I want to be remembered... And that's enough for me.

With love,

Your mom