Mental Health: My Journey

This is a long-due post that I have been thinking of writing but I was so hesitant to elaborate further. Mental health is such a big issue that not many people talk about it. Although it gets more mainstream to open up and speak up about your struggle, not everyone can articulate and work on it internally. That's why, it takes quite a while for me to understand the shift within myself.

I understand that everybody has her own experiences and learnings. For me, it is a blessing in disguise to experience those feelings, good and bad. When we decided to have a child, it didn't come instantly to us. For about two years, I was living in despair and questioning, what was wrong with me?

Many people who live with infertility journey understand how hard it is to go to any announcement of pregnancy, baby shower, and birth. The feeling can be simply put, "I am so happy for you and your little bundle of joy, but I am sad for myself." and this is the feeling that we can't say it in the open air.

When I became a mother, I came from a very prepared place. I was quite mature, financially stable, and mentally prepared. So, I didn't have much trouble getting out of the baby blue era. I was slowly changing from a person who was sad for herself because of not producing offspring to a mother who worried, "Am I good enough? do I deserve this?"

I read so many posts online about impostor syndrome and it is stated as a BEHAVIORAL HEALTH PHENOMENON described as self-doubt of intellect, skills, or accomplishments among HIGH ACHIEVING INDIVIDUALS. You are considered to have this syndrome if you find yourself consistently experiencing self-doubt even in the areas you EXCEL.

I recall a memory, of when I was around 7 years old, we had a ranking system in our school. I sat together with other 39 students in a classroom. Our teacher called our name based on our academic rank, I ranked 17th. So I wasn't the last one to be called out. After all the students' names were called out, the class was relatively empty. Since I had so many things to pack, I finished the last with my school bag. When I walked the aisle, I saw a kid crying on his desk and closing his face with his two hands. I told him, "Don't be sad! In the next three months we will have another chance to improve our rank" and I asked him, which ranking he had. He told me while sobbing, he only ranked 2nd.

As I child I couldn't understand the complexity of parental pressure, but I could empathize with him and not think that being number 17 is bad. So, I wasn't born with the impostor syndrome but somewhere along the line, I slipped away.

The funny thing is when we talk about mental health, there is so much stigma around it, and the people who need the most help usually do not know that they need it or are unable to access it. Imagine all the children who need to grow up in a war or the children who were abandoned by their parents. That trauma shapes them as individuals.

So, I was thinking that I may suffer from it. But then I realize, I don't usually engage in negative self-talk (an implication of the impostor syndrome) but I do have a lot of regrets. Luckily, I am mentally strong enough to not let those negative tendency to interfere with my life. At the end of the day, everyone can suffer from any form of mental illness but what differentiates the sane and the madness is how we channel, control, and contain those negative feelings.

When I became a mother, it became clear to me that I may not have the impostor syndrome but I walk on thin eggshells called apprehensiveness (or simply put anxiety or fearfulness that something bad will happen).

Unlike what most people think of me, I didn't grow up from a loaded family. I grew up in a very hardworking and uber-achieving family and that hard work manifests as I grow older. So I fully understand the feeling of growing up not having enough: to tight one's belt so everyone can have enough meals on the table. I also appreciate resiliency because without it you can't overcome challenges in life. I turned out to be a young individual with grit, tenacity, and very hard on myself and others. In a simple word, I was smart but I wasn't humbling.

When I reread my old posts, I realized that my views come with a very harsh undertone: work hard, do not be a slacker, envy people are bitter, and some people are just not your level. I knew it wasn't that simple, but my brain wired that shortcut to protect myself from getting those vibes.

Now having a baby in my hands who teaches me about unconditional love, I realized that my assumptions are nonsense. Not all people grow up in strong familial environments and without those support systems, even a good seed can turn sour. I also realize that bitter people are screaming their pain. Pain that is unhealed and hurting others they touch. So instead of hating that bitterness, now I understand how to empathize with them.

I remember when I was longing for a baby, someone I knew recently had a baby. As we stroll together with the baby on the bassinet, the infant cries and the mother breaks loose... saying that she wanted to choke her kid. Today, I still have a bad dream about it. At that time I was thinking, "How could you talk like that to your child? Do you know how lucky you are to have a child?!"

That anger turns to be a regret for me because I knew there must be something wrong with the mother and I refused to speak and to help. I was stumped because I never experienced anything like that. I wish I could be wiser and talk to the mother if she needs help. But today, I realized that anger was pain and I felt that pain. It wasn't my pain, it affected me personally and I should channel that out and make peace with it.

Although my worldview was quite skewed and harsh in the past, I was always able to fit into any situation instantly. I keep my mouth shut and I go fly with the flock. There is an advantage to going with the mad crowds than to be sane alone. It serves me well, I was a good team player and I have friends from many different backgrounds, and nationalities while maintaining that good girl persona.

However, there is a drawback to that approach because I was very adamant about showing my colors even if that meant staying true to my roots and heritage. When I became a mother, I started to realize how important my values are and how sad that I neglected them in the past. Something like being proud to grow up in a Muslim family or teaching my child how to eat with bare hands.

Even just writing this down, I realized that there are so many things I need to reconsider in my life and I should not be raising my child with fear. The best way to do that is to stop being fearful myself. To stop self-doubting and questioning myself:

• Do I deserve this?

• Am I a good mother?

• Why do these people say mean words to me? What's wrong with them?

• Do I say something politically incorrect?

• How can I be better?

• Will my child have a good life? How can I protect her?

These questions lead nowhere. They do more harm than good to me. Even the people close to me keep repeating, "You already have everything, be gentle on yourself". I still can't accept those facts.

So, I wrote those worries, talked with my loved ones as much as possible, and accepted my wins and failures. Today, I am proud to say:

• I am so glad I grew up mentally strong despite so much stress and neglect when I was growing up. I grew up without a single memory of playing with my mother, my parents picked me up at four PM every day when I was supposed to be home by one. I was locked up in a dark bathroom and spent the weekend in parking lots because my parents needed to hustle for the extra income. I was a victim in a way but my parents didn't know any better.

• I am proud that I found my way to finish school and find my way here. I had good grades (not always perfect), I have lived financially independent since 20, I got scholarships from one of the best universities in the world, I went to the UN, I went to all EU institutions, and I got my job with honesty, I don't use familial connections and exits, I am a proud corporate girly, I saved ahead of my peers (I saved 80% of my salary and that what sets me far apart), I traveled a lot when I was young and I went to remote places, I volunteered at the beach cleaning, at shelter homes, and I used to be a costume figure to support the preservation of Malaysian tigers. All those happy memories are worth as much as any asset ones could amass. I live with privilege but I put so much hard work into building my own... and I need to own that success. I should not feel ashamed and I should not feel not enough. I don't have to flaunt them, but I can feel content about them.

• To those people who hurt me #fuckyouaimee. One of the most bitter experiences in my girly adulthood is being talked about harshly and for several years I eat that sh*t. I rarely say bad words and to have an acquaintance who repeatedly says bad words to me like, "You psycho, you are just born lucky, you had an easy life" is very hurtful. Because it was UNTRUE. I learned slowly to rise against a bully and I PROMISE I WILL SPEAK AGAINST ANY BULLY in life.

• Instead of blocking out miseries, I need to learn how to not internalize them. It is fine to feel loved and happy even if there is a war in another part of the world. It is natural for us a human to care deeply, especially if there is an enormous suffering going on in this world. But it is very important to have the mental fitness to act logically when the world goes mad - imagine being a police in the event of conflict or a doctor in a war-torn hospital. In essence, I don't have to be poor to empathize with people affected by structural poverty. I am strong enough to help them and I am strong enough to reach them out. My intent is good and my action defines me.

• I am not a perfect mother but I am the best mother for my child and my family. I don't lose my temper easily, I am attentive to my child, I cook, I clean, and I bathe the child. I don't resent my husband, I support him and bring laughter to home. My child listens to me, cries on me, and looks for me. At the same time, I work, I save, and I prepare myself to live independently in retirement. I think the best gifts a child can get are a happy childhood and a future where the parents are independent in their retirement.
  

I can write even more and the list can go even longer. But my message is clear, everyone can suffer any form of mental illness at some degree so we don't have to stigmatize it. Even if everything seems perfect from the outside, nobody knows how strong we are from within. That's why I choose to treat everyone with kindness, a positive interaction multiplies our wellbeing.

On the other hand, I am also a strong advocate to reach out and to be each other's support system. Have you ever heard that there is a psychological treatment shortage because so many people suddenly suffer from it? Sometimes, the best medicine is to refrain from doom-scrolling, self-reflection, putting down your phones, and talking to your family and friends. And if these measures do not help, there is also a professional who can help us.

Thank you for reading this post and do reach me out if you need someone to talk.

With love,

N